


Helplessness

by Caedmon68



Series: Emotional Growth [3]
Category: The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
Genre: Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 17:44:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20952374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caedmon68/pseuds/Caedmon68
Summary: Patroclus's death leaves Achilles with no weapons and no way to find him.





	Helplessness

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this and then forgot about it. But now I have remembered, so I decided to post it.

Neoptolemus. Achilles huffed at the child's name. New warrior, as if he was worthy to follow his father. This boy only knew how to fight for glory, and Achilles had learned the price of that. He couldn't well force his son to see the truth, and Thetis would have taken effort to teach the boy all the wrong lessons.

Achilles glared at the back of the child's red hair. This Phyrrus thought himself a man. He thought that he was grown and ready to conquer Troy; that he knew the price and goals of war. Achilles hands clenched into sharp fists, and he longs for a spear to lift. Part of him wanted to kill the child, just to make sure he could understand a little of the pain that war really entailed.

War took everything of any value, and all it left was meaningless fame. What good was it? Everyone might remember Achilles' name, but Patroclus was still nowhere to be found, even after Paris ended Achilles miserable life. He would have traded all of it, any hope of glory or immortality, for Patroclus. He wouldn't have hesitated. 

Phyrrus sat in Achilles's tent, looking at those who came to speak to him. He ignored the orders Achilles had left for his body, ignored the only purpose Achilles had left in favor of his own foolish ideals. The child knew nothing. Achilles turned his back on his son, staring at the familiar fabric of his former home. 

"Thetis," he called.

"Achilles," his mother's voice was soft, but he met her gaze with a glare.

"Where is he?" It wasn't the first time he had made this demand of his mother, and she gave her usual reply.

"He is not meant to be with you. You are half-god, and he is a mortal."

Achilles laughed to himself, a sharp sound that sounded foreign to his own ears. Patroclus wouldn't recognize him if he heard the sound, but Achilles didn't care. Patroclus couldn't hear him, any more than he could sense Patroclus. "I denounce it. What good is it, if it brings me no closer to him?"

"You are the son of a goddess!" Thetis swayed toward him, and Achilles gave that sharp laugh again. He didn't know how he made the sound, and he didn't care.

"Give it to him - he seems to want it." Achilles cast a finger toward his son, and Thetis followed his gesture. 

"He is a good son," she stated. Achilles shook his head.

"He is a fool, and you never taught him any better. Not that I did, either." Bitterness flavored his words, and he shook his head. "I care not for it. I want Patroclus, nothing else."

"You will go to the underworld for him?" His mother glared at the ground, and Achilles's lips twisted into something that might be considered a smile.

"I will go anywhere for him." He looked over his shoulder at Phyrrus, "If you want the child to accept a godhead, make sure he never learns just how little it buys." He dashed a hand across his face, as if to keep tears away. 

"It could earn him plenty. If you weren't so obsessed - "

"I am exactly as I should be, and I want Patroclus back." Achilles paced to the opening of the tent, ignoring Phyrrus's commands for Achilles's grand tomb. "It seems that the gods are willing to return him to me."

"The Fates cannot be changed, Achilles."

"Then let me go with him. Make sure he comes to me. I'll wait at the river." Achilles dropped his head, listening to the way his mother's breath echoed behind him.

"Neoptolemus won't bury you together. He understands your place, and he understands the place of your Patroclus."

"He understands nothing, just as you do." Achilles lifted his head and stepped over to look his mother in the face. "Patroclus understood his place. He is meant to be with me, and if you ever loved me for a moment, you will give him back to me." Fury lanced through his veins, feeling almost as enlivening as battle fever. "As it stands, I suspect you hate me just as you hate my father." He wanted to sting Thetis, reveled in her wince when his words hit home.

He truly wanted her to bleed, but failing that, he would take her confused guilt. He refused to be the only one in agony, and with no mortals left to hurt, he would use his mother. He would rail against her until his foolish son sent him to the underworld, and he would despise her until Patroclus was back where he belonged. 

"You forget your position, my son." Thetis's eyes were cold, and her voice tossed like a stormy sea.

Achilles huffed one more mirthless chuckle. "You forget my position, Mother. I am a mere mortal, and a dead one at that. But I fought for glory, as you wished. I fathered a son, as you wished. And Patroclus left me, as you wished. Now I am telling you what I wish. I want him back."

Achilles spun on one foot, letting his spirit remember the speed that had once made him famous. He ran to the beach, to the sands where once he had sat with Patroclus, and fell to watch the ocean water. He ran his hands through his hair and pulled lightly. There was nothing left to fight, and he couldn't kill or bleed or run to find Patroclus. He screamed at the water, aware that it would help nothing. Achilles subsided into stillness.

"Helpless," he scoffed. "Helpless as a child, and with no way to find the power I need." Achilles let the words trail away, burying his head in his arms. "Gods, let me find him. Please, I am begging," Achilles prayed in a murmur. "Please help me find him, please. I have never asked for more than my offerings earned, but I have nothing left to give. If there is something I don't know of, take it. Just let me find him."


End file.
